Sipping the Water

As a kid, I spent a lot of my days at church. Whether it was tent revivals, volunteering in the warehouse, or sunday school, I learned the songs, the ways, and the word. I reflect on all of that and then wonder what is missing in my life.

I have not led a very righteous life. I have turned my back on him, I have cursed His name, and I have questioned everything about Him. I honest felt as if I had legitimate reasons to feel this way.
I haven’t stepped foot in a church since the day I got married. I haven’t touched a Bible in years. I haven’t really even taught my daughter anything related to religion. (There was once a time I wouldn’t have felt so horrible and ashamed for that.) 

Last year was one of the hardest years of my adult life. I have never felt so low and useless in my entire life. I needed to cling onto something that would give me hope, to get me through. I will never forget that feeble prayer.

My main New Years Resolution was to become closer with God. Though lately it’s almost like I’ve been dipping my toe in the water, refusing to jump because the water will take me out of my comfort zone.

I am thankful to have such an amazing friend in my husband. He has literally and figuratively held my hand through all of this, he is also the one to “push me into the water.” We have decided to attend Sunday service at the church we were married in!

While I am excited, I am nervous. I wish I could elaborate that but I cannot think of any words that eloquently explain. This is a new chapter in our lives!


Great Change

For the last year and a half, I have been feeling a great change coming, within me and around me. Half of me has always dreaded this, in fear of desolation and isolation. Who would have ever known it could be liberating? Never did I ever.

Nonetheless, today is the day that I’m going to let go. Let go of the people who hold me in place just to pick me apart like starving savages. I’m going to let go of the people who promised everything under the sun but really only give me hell. I am going to let go of my fears, worries, and negativity. Never will I ¬†withstand another moment being told to or being made to feel like I should be ashamed of my flaws and scars, or that I am what my mistakes have been. Instead, I now know that I am who I make myself to be.

My flaws and scars are the fiber that holds me together, my dreams and ambitions is what drives me. I am already SOMEBODY. I always have been. I just needed to prove it to myself.